The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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