He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
