I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
