god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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