I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
