I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
