It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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