Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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