i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
