So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
