A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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