I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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