my mouth tastes like poor choices
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
