Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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