why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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