i need an iv and a liver transplant
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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