I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Randomize
