Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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