If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
