Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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