I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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