You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
