I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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