Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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