You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You took a bar mat shot.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
