at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
