There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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