WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize