Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
