A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
