i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Come share oat with me in your robe
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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