Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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