I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
