I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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