booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
