My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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