wanna go halves on a baby?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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