im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
