Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
