Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
