Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
