it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
