he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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