u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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