Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
