I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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