Cold hands, warm shart.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
