Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
