Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
