So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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