I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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