6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
