Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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