So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
