I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The best revenge is premature balding
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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