I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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