Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
