Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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