I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she looked like the before picture.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
