I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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